


Friend, With no Benefits

by HaruSpring88



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, M/M, Secret Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 17:42:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20586455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaruSpring88/pseuds/HaruSpring88
Summary: Phichit made a promise to always be what Yuuri needed, but what happens when he isn't wanted the way wanted to be?





	Friend, With no Benefits

I remember when Yuuri and I first met. I was eighteen and had made the choice to leave my family, move to the United States, and start really focusing on my skating career. I'd connected with Celestino and he'd arranged everything, including an apartment and a roommate. He said we'd get along really well, but truthfully I think Celestino thought I'd be good for Yuuri.

We were opposites in many ways. It took me several months to have more than a few sentences as a conversation with him. I found out quick that he hated his picture taken, the opposite of me, the self proclaimed King of Selfies. Yuuri was more of a dog person and was actually afraid of my hamsters at first. And more days than not I had to force Yuuri out of our apartment to get air, there was more to his introversion than most people knew.

See, I was very happy and content with my life, the way it was, and the way it was turning out. Yuuri always seemed depressed. He'd go out of his way to keep socks on in our apartment, though I never asked why... I had my assumptions. I never judged him and I made it a point to be whatever Yuuri needed, when he needed it. This was the time in his life he needed a friend, so I worked to fill that role. The more time Yuuri and I spent together, the better friends we became. Over time, he finally started opening up to me. Little secrets here and there, about himself, or his family. I never forced him to volunteer information, but always praised him when he did. I realized I was in love with Yuuri, long before he started opening up to the rest of the world. I wanted him to love me too.

Yuuri was handsome and smarter than people gave him credit for. His moves on the ice were stellar. His spins and footwork were always pristine even when they needed work. It seemed I was the only one that knew Yuuri's skating was a reflection of how he was feeling. I'm not sure even Yuuri knew this about himself. Sometimes he was shy and many times too modest, but it was a balance to my high energy and desire to speak to everyone I met. Yuuri reminded me that I needed to take moments to rest my mind and spirit, but during all of this I just wanted to see him smile.

We spent plenty of evenings tangled together on the sofa watching comedies, dramas, and Yuuri's preferred romances. I'd steal a piece of sushi or a dumpling off his takeaway plate, despite the fact I ordered my own. And I'd force him to endure being a climbing toy for my hamsters. He'd pretend to hate it, but he'd smile most times. When we weren't skating, he and I would both watch videos of Viktor Nikiforov, someone that the both of us aspired to be. Especially, Yuuri. He'd been in awe of the man since he was a kid.

Yuuri qualifying for the Grand Prix Final had been like a personal success for me. He'd been excited and he deserved to go. I'd qualify next year, just some polishing up to do. Watching Yuuri fail... that had been just as heart breaking for me as it was for him. Yuuri had deserved to go and he deserved more than anyone else to win. He had more heart than any skater to ever take the ice. And the talent was there. I'd seen him practice. I knew it was. I just had to make Yuuri see that it was there, it was just hidden away. Seeing him hurt, hurt me too.

When he came back to Detroit I'd had plans for us to cry about it together and get right back to the ice. The only way to improve was to just fix what mistakes were made. Yuuri insisted this was it. And something was different about Yuuri. It was like his mind had shut off and he'd just given up. The excitement I'd seen about skating on the same ice as Viktor, that was gone too and that was a Yuuri I didn't recognize. As I saw him off at the airport I gave him a hug that lingered a bit too long for a pair of friends, I asked him again if he was sure and felt a soft nod against my shoulder. I pulled back and waved.

With Yuuri gone, staying in Detroit to train didn't feel right. I spoke with Celestino and after an agreement to continue training, both of us packed up and I returned home to Thailand. Each day I took my focus and love for Yuuri and put it on the ice, into music I loved, in a country I loved, for a person I loved. I didn't hear from Yuuri again until he told me he needed a mutual friend's name to ask about music composition. And for the first time in a while, I heard hope in my friends voice. Viktor had given him hope, and it hurt that it wasn't me.

I had seen Yuuri through so much in our years of friendship. I would stand by him no matter what. I reminded myself of the promise I made to be what he needed and he still needed his friend. Viktor wouldn't replace me. I loved Yuuri. Us qualifying for the Grand Prix Final together was a dream of mine that had become a reality. But seeing Yuuri skate again sent chills through my spine and put a warmth in my heart that I missed. I missed spending time with him, this was our chance to skate on the same ice again.

The moment I saw the rings in Barcelona my big mouth put me in a corner and a spouted off the most ridiculous congratulatory comment with claps, only to be corrected by my Russian rival. Yuuri... Yuuri was in love and that person wasn't me. It was Viktor. Despite everything I'd done for Yuuri, he still chose someone else. I felt almost as if I was being stabbed, but then remembered how ridiculous it was because Yuuri didn't know how I felt. And that I promised years ago to be what he needed and what Yuuri had always needed from me was a friend.

The evidence for their love was as plain as the nose on my face. Yuuri was more open to talking and more confident in his skating. Viktor had offered everything I was afraid to offer. I had wanted Yuuri to change and be happy, but Viktor had embraced Yuuri and he'd found happiness on his own. For a moment, I felt betrayed and hurt by the person I cared about most in this world. After all this time, it was too late. Yuuri would never love me the same way. His love was for another. All of those tangled nights on the sofa, stolen takeaway meals, naps on my bed... for a moment all of it felt for nothing. Except that I promised to be what he needed and Yuuri needed a friend. That friend was me... the husband was Viktor. All the secrets I'd learned, did Viktor know them too? The darkest recesses of his mind? I was there first.


End file.
